Bella's Demands
by Jammeke
Summary: In response to Edward's rules and demands, Bella feels it's only fair she gets to influence his behaviour as well. This is a sequel to The Ultimate Survival Guide.
1. Chapter 1

**Title: **Bella's Demands

**Disclaimer: **Twilight belongs to Stephanie Meyer. I am merely borrowing the characters.

**Summary: **In response to Edward's rules and demands, Bella feels it's only fair she gets to influence his behaviour as well. This is a sequel to The Ultimate Survival Guide.

**Bella's Demands **

**1. Do not inflict damage on my car **

a. This includes driving it

_- Your__ driving my truck would definitely mean its death, what with your habit of crossing the speed limit at every chance you get. _

b. It also includes the removal of vital parts

_- I know I'__m not able to physically hurt you, but if you ever break down my car again (I don't care how good you claim your intentions were) I will at least try._

_Or have Emmett throw your piano out of the window._

**2. ****You are not to commit suicide **

I will accept no excuses.

_- If the idea of living without me frightens you so much, you are going to have to either suck it up - or change me._

The following actions will lead to certain death, and are therefore prohibited:

a. visiting the Volturi

b. going out into the sunlight in front of a crowd

c. jumping in front of a train

_- I'm__ just curious: would that mean the end of you, the train, or both?_

**3. Do not go drinking people's blood**

a. Unlimited self-control, remember?

_- So help me, but __I'd be jealous. The idea of you being able to resist my blood, but giving in when it comes to someone else's, makes me want to drink their blood myself. _

**4. Killing Jacob is never an option**

a. Furthermore, inflicting damage is only allowed with my permission

_- __If he kisses me again, I might just grant it to you. _

b. Also, don't call him dog or mongrel

_- He has a name__. A nice one. _

**5. You are not to dye your hair**

**6. You are not to go hunting on your own**

_- __Grizzlies are big and strong - and I'm quite fond of you, too. _

**7. Do not cross the speed-limits**

a. Driving a car requires patience and self-control

_- __If you can't help yourself, you could always go for a run _

b. Charlie would jump at every opportunity he gets to send you off to prison

**8. ****Stay away from my belongings**

_- I've forgiven you for leaving me, but I will never forgive you for erasing all the reminders I had of you. _

a. My car stereo is the exception to the rule. That you can have.

**9. ****Don't get mad at your family for wanting my blood**

a. It would be pointless.

b. It would be pointless.

c. Oh yeah, it would be pointless.

**10.**** You are not to get burned**

_- I know that seems relatively easy, but trust me… accidents do happen. I should know._

a. Don't go to the sauna, just in case.

b. Stay away from me when I'm cooking.

c. Don't have Alice make me a birthday cake with candles.

_- In fact, I don't want her making me a birthday cake at all. _

TBC…


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: **jasperinmyroom, feralfairy, Pati, lovelyshakirababe, chloeeleanor, xox-Smiley-xox, BlindingFirefly, debbie-lou, twilight-is-lovee, AndromedaMarine, ancientesha, jueguini and Linyke; you all made my day! I hope you will like this chapter, too!

**Bella's Demands **

**1****1. Don't go anywhere near garlic**

a. And silver's off-limit's, too.

_- Don't start again about your Volvo. I know the difference between the color silver and_ real _silver, Edward._

**12. You are not**** allowed to keep me prisoner**

a. or have Alice hold me hostage.

_- I'm a big girl; I can take care of myself._

If you ever put bars in front of my window again, you will be beheaded.

_Twice._

- By me, and by Charlie - who will catch you the moment you try to sneak into the house through the front door.

**13. Don't get shot at by Charlie**

Since you are quite fast, he can't possible succeed in actually beheading you. However, he might be able to properly shoot you from a distance. And the fact that bullets can't kill you will raise at least one of his eyebrows.

**14. Don't wear clothes**

_- On second thought, maybe you should. In public, that is._

a. You do know I'm kidding, right?

b. Would you actually follow this rule if I asked you nicely?

**15. You are not to buy me expensive things**

_- Not even on my birthday. No wait, I don't have a birthday; I popped out of thin air. Yes, I did. Don't give me that look. _

**16. You have no right to ****send me off to University**

a. Again, me: big girl.

b. You: overprotective, and also - not my parent.

**17. Dragging me off to parties against my will will make you wish you hadn't.**

**18. You are not to watch me during Gym. **

_- I'd very much like _not_ to traumatize you, so don't you dare take a peek. _

**19. Don't stop breathing**

Ever.

**-**_I know you can't die due to a lack of oxygen; but it scares me when you look so... lifeless. _

The exceptions to this rule would be:

a. when you are under water

b. when the air is toxic

c. when you smell Charlie's cooking.

**20. Talk normal**

_- By normal talking, I mean that your speech needs to sound like you're actually from this century. _

We don't want people to believe you can travel through time.

_- The idea alone is laughable, of course. Traveling through time... people come up with the most fantastic ideas, don't they? _

TBC…


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: **Lovelyshakirababe, debbie-lou, jasperinmyroom, Pati, xox-Smiley-xox, jueguini, chloeeleanor, BlindingFirefly, sam-cullen14, AndromedaMarine, twilight-is-lovee and feralfairy; this chapter is dedicated to you for your wonderful support.

Thank you, BlindingFirefly, for sending me number 29. I added Bella's personal note myself, but the rule and the elaboration are yours. Thank you for sending the suggestion and for allowing me to post it here.

**Bella's Demands**

**21. Don't dazzle me**

_- I__t's not that I actually mind your looking perfect, but it would be nice to be able to form coherent thoughts when I'm with you. _

a. And you are not to dazzle other people as well.

_- __And by 'other people' I mean the female population, but I assume you already got that. _

**22.****Don't you dare criticize Wuthering Heights again**

a. I like it.

b. The rest of the world likes it.

The fact that the storyline is somewhat similar to our situation with Jacob, does not necessarily mean that it's bad.

_- Don't worry; you are the one I truly love, so you would be Heathcliff and Jake would be Edgar. Which reminds me__; do all ancient names start with an 'E'? _

**23.**** Stop feeding me all the time**

_- Do you wish for a fat bride?_

a. Eggs are never to be served again.

b. Nor are cheese sandwiches.

_- I'll have an overdose and die. You can't tell me that _that_ wouldn't suck. _

**24.**** Keeping me out of the loop is prohibited**

a. Whenever Alice has a terrible vision, you are not to lie to me about it.

_- I mean it, if you do that one more time, I'll cheerfully __set your Volvo on fire. _

b. Also, whenever you feel the need to keep me out of harm's way, you are to keep on low profile as well.

_- Although Heaven would look far more heavenly with you up there, I'm selfish enough not to grant those souls your presence. _

**25. There will be no playing my lullaby in front of others when I'm gone **

_- Something tells me Tanya would like it. _

**26. Talk at a normal rate**

_- I hate it when you converse with your family at the speed of light._

**27. Do not cross the border to Quileute land**

You _can't_ go there.

a. Not even when I am there.

b. Never. Ever.

You can _not_ break the treaty over me.

_- I have enough to feel guilty about as it is, thank you very much. Which reminds me; has Esme found a replacement for her Chinese Vase yet? _

**28. You are not to carry me when it's slippery**

_- I love it when you hold me, just... not in public._

a. Nor are you to put cables under my shoes.

b. And stop making Tyler's life miserable. He said he was sorry.

**29. You are not allowed to go sulk in Alaska every time something doesn't go your way**

Aside from the fact that I would miss you and that you really shouldn't be acting like a sixty year old grouch, I don't trust you to be any closer to Tanya than Emmett could throw her.

_- I would throw her myself, but - even with my best effort put into it - she'd probably land on my toes. _

**30. Do not force me to dance**

a. I can't,

b. I don't

c. and I won't

DANCE!

_- You are going to have to find yourself another dance partner. Sorry. _

TBC...


	4. Chapter 4

**AN: **Pati, jueguini, Mizz-Emz, shakirababe, BlindingFirefly, twilight-is-lovee, chloeeleanor, AndromedaMarine, neha, -HVW girl- and meggin, thanks for the encouraging reviews. Your messages keep me going!

BlindingFirefly, thanks for sending me yet again a funny suggestion. I have to dedicate number 35 to you. I hope you like the additions I made to your rule.

**Bella's Demands**

**31.**** Don't even dare think you don't have a soul**

If you don't have one, then no one possibly could – and that thought is quite depressing.

**32.**** Don't put too much pressure on Alice **

She's wonderful, loyal and _wonderful_ and you upset her too often.

a. She's usually right.

b. If she can't see anything, then that's not her fault.

_- And you are not to slaughter the wolves for having something to do with point b. _

**33.**** You are not to get imprinted on by Leah**

Or any other female addition the pack might get.

_- The whole imprinting thing is creeping me out. _

**34.**** Don't come near females during that time a month…**

_- I trust your unlimited self-control completely; but being around so much blood might just be pushing your luck. _

**35.**** Stop trying to teach me how to play the piano**

a. All those keys are giving me a headache.

b. It's a small miracle I haven't ruined the instrument yet.

_- Any time I spend practising on the thing, means less time for you to play my lullaby. _

**36. ****Don't touch Aro**

He would definitely make good use of the opportunity to look into everyone's head.

_- Also, he is very repulsive. Do vampires shower? _

**37.**** Stop plotting ways to make me marry you**

a. I have bad experiences with marriages.

b. If we wish to stay together, we should not marry – experience has taught me that much.

c. The trick questions are getting on my nerves; soon, I'll say 'no' to every question you ask me.

**38.**** You are not to drink the blood of animals that have young **

Because of ethics.

_- I sincerely promise we'll be adopting every deer that's motherless because of you. _

**39. ****Do not get recruited by the Volturi **

a. Despite what Aro tells you, the cape does not suit you.

b. Living in Italy is not an option.

_- You are my Edward. I'm not sharing. _

**40.**** Do not put too much force into shaking my father's hand**

_- I still believe it was you who broke his hand three weeks ago. _

TBC...


	5. Chapter 5

**AN: **: Lovelyshakirababe, jueguini, -HVW girl-, Mizz-Emz, jasperinmyroom, Fate is Fun, kaybear400, Leon McFrenchington, BlindingFirefly, ancientesha, debbie-lou, immortalwizarspirateelf-fan and AndromedaMarine; thank you so much for the support!

This is the last chapter, I hope you enjoyed reading this story as much as I enjoyed writing it.

Thank you, chloeeleanor, for sending me numbers 41 and 47, and for allowing me to post them here.

**Bella's Demands**

**41. Whenever we watch Romeo & Juliet, please don't get suicidal.**

It makes you depressed and then it makes me depressed and then everybody else will get depressed...

_- __Except Jacob. _

**42. Don't ever act like I stabbed you with a pencil**

_- Trust me; you don't want to see Mike Newton's gleeful face if you do._

**43. You are not to bring a coffin into your house**

We don't want to rouse suspicions.

_- And you can tell every one of your family members that they are not allowed to die either. _

**44. Do not forget to brush your teeth twice a day**

a. Don't tell me vampires don't brush their teeth.

b. From now on, _you_ do.

c. I do not want to spot any blood in your mouth.

d. Let alone taste it.

**45. Stop promising Alice new cars **

_- She locked me in the_ closet _the other day to prevent me from escaping._

a. Not even a Ferrari is worth the anger I will unleash on you both if you ever do that again.

**46. There will be no ruining the mood when we're... at it.**

_- You are **so** melodramatic. _

If you ever say "we risked your life enough for today" again, I will not be held responsible for my actions.

_- The only thing you could possible hurt are my feelings, by pulling away_ every single time_._

**47. Never, ever ask Renee to show you my ballet recital video**

a. I can't dance

b. You'll laugh

c. I can't dance

_- I'll say it to you one more time: I can't dance. _

**48. Do not hit a tree when you're running with me in your arms**

a. You are also not to run into one without me.

b. If I'm not allowed to cut down trees, then neither are you.

_- It's only fair. _

**49. Don't get hit by a meteorite**

a. Wear a helmet.

b. At all times.

_- If I have to wear one, then_ _so do you. Make sure its color matches the color of mine :P_

**50. Don't write this guide off like a silly joke**

a. I was serious about every single rule.

b. I put a lot of work into writing them down, while I could have been reading Wuthering Heights.

c. If I ever find this book laying crumpled in the dustbin, I will personally **stick the dustbin on your head.**

THE END


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